The Line is drawn _____________
As I stood there and listened to what He told me nothing about me moved. My eyes, my hands, my feet. I felt my heartbeat and stared only at Him with a complete silence to the things that were going on around me.
“You are going to do great things”, He said. “Your next steps are in your next step, but you have to take it. I’ve prepared it for you, but I can’t take the step for you. You decide.” “You have to take it”, those words continued to ring in my ears and faded as He finished speaking, so much that I barely grasped what He said after that. Everyone else in the room was staring in the excitement with me expecting me to leap forward and run as fast as I could to the alter. “Whoo-hoo! God spoke this to you, and we all know that if He said it, it will happen.” But for some reason I didn’t move. I can’t tell if I was stuck. Stuck with fear? Stuck with doubt? Stuck with wanting to go back? Look back. Hmm, that’s an interesting concept. My eyes finally peeled off Him at the alter and slowly traced down the isle like a line being drawn with my eyes to my own feet. I stared. At my feet. Then I saw it. The line. The line was drawn. Could anyone else see it? Was I the only one? What was I going to experience over that line? I’d never been over that line before, what if it’s not all rosy? Everyone wants me to run up, but I’m stuck. Thinking. What am I thinking about? Thinking about going back? I’m not sure, let me look.
It felt awkward to claim this much time from everyone else in the room to make one small decision, but it was a moment that God was speaking to me and I didn’t want to waste it or decide in haste. As I looked back it all looked different. My past that is, not the back of the church. It looked old and not as exciting as I’d remembered, why would I want to go back to the places I’ve already been? I mean, I don’t want to trade them because some are good memories, but some were inflated into a great achievement that when I really looked at them they seemed more like a faded memory accompanied with the musty smell of dust from an old box stored in the attic. The events were long gone, the cheers not so loud and the shame not so painful. So no, I don’t want to go back, that decision is settled.
It still doesn’t settle the question of me standing there, in the isle, all eyes staring at me wondering why I would not want a great adventure with the Creator of the Universe. So, my eyes found its way back to my feet. My toes specifically. They were inches away from this invisible line that was apparently only visible to me. I can’t stay at this line the rest of my life, I can’t even stay at this line the rest of the day and I don’t want to go backwards, but why am I not going forward?
The line has been so far in front of me my whole life, I’ve never had to answer to it before. Well, not the line itself, just what it represents, which is The Call. The only question I’d ever had was will I finally get to see it up close. This close. But God. He told me I was getting closer to it because of the promises He whispered to me in dreams, in growth, in reality, in other people’s prayers and while I believed it and ran harder with more excitement and anticipation at times it felt more like all I was doing was chasing the wind. I’ll never really catch up to it. How could I? I can’t see it, so I’ll just keep running. But not today, today I can see it because my toes are touching the line. I’ve decided I don’t want to go back; I’ve realized I can’t stay here so the only other answer is to go forward. Let me just look up, from my own toes and see what’s ahead. What do I see?
Ok, wow. I see you. I see Jesus. He’s just looking at me with a half-smile, kneeling on His left knee with His right arm rested on His right knee and His left hand is extended out to me. The funny thing about Jesus is that when I see Him, He’s never looking away from me, but with His eyes always piercing directly at me. He’s never mad or impatient, it’s just that He’s waiting for me to either respond with a question or tell Him something and because He doesn’t want to miss it, He watches me. His whole demeanor was telling me to trust Him and I realized as I looked at Him that He’d been waiting there the entire time I reflected on my past, pondered my present and questioned my future. I guess He knew that eventually I’d look up and see Him standing there. He didn’t rush me, He never does. He knows what I’m struggling with and has so much compassion for where I am that He lets me flip through the reasons and excuses of why I want to take a step but feel I don’t have it in me.
“You don’t”, He said with a smile. He was reading my thoughts as though they were pages in a book. “I have it in me and I’m going to share it with you. I’ve got it and I want you to trust me in this next phase of your life because I am taking you to a place that I’ve prepared for you. I left you to be cared for and knew that you would study your way here because of the fire I put inside you. You’ve got what you need and now I’m going to show you what I’ve prepared for you. You’re going to love it because it matches the call in your heart. Trust me, it’s so amazing.” He started to stand up and with His right hand now extended to me, His posture straightened, His chest bowed out a bit and His smile changed as though He knew I was willing to take His hand. He knew my heart. He knew I was willing. He knew I was trained. He knew I was scared. He knew I would trust Him. He knew that I knew that I would not be disappointed. Before I realized what was happening, I’d taken His hand even before my foot left the ground and I crossed the line. His body was already flanked to His left ready to lead me to His promises that were ready to be shared.
The line was crossed. I can’t stay here forever, and I don’t want to go back. Are you at the line? Do you see Him? Do you trust Him? Why haven’t you crossed over? Are you going to stay here forever? Where is He going to take you if you let Him?
Lisa Z Blady
12.07.2019, Saturday
