Sacrifice of Breath

It was Monday evening and I had just returned to mom’s from visiting my son and his wife. They were now pregnant with their third child and found out earlier that morning if they would be having a girl or a boy. With two girls already under the age of 2 ½ and having miscarried twin boys three and a half years earlier, the expectation of hearing the words “you’re having a boy!” were resting on the walls of their heart. To their surprise the Doctor declared and decreed that they were instead going to have a baby girl - at which time she began tugging, pulling and kicking anything inside that belly she was currently calling home. Hearing the genuine disappointment that their future family of five could very well become a family of six or even seven until they finally had that little boy they so desired, I just had to laugh. Britney described the rambunctious movements her little girl made during the ultrasound! It was as though she was giving advance notice to all she would soon meet, that she was coming and she was going to give her oldest sister, Lennon, a run for her money!

I walked into mom’s room to tell her hi and it was though all cylinders fired up inside her brain as she was startled and turned to the right so she could focus her now short sighted vision on my voice. “Hey mah baby!”, she said as she struggled to unravel her weak hands from under the sheets and reach for my face. “I love you”, she breathed out. I chose to speak as few words as I could to her so as not to confuse her with what she should answer. I kissed her forehead and gave her permission to go back to sleep, knowing that every breath was a sacrifice to keep her fleshly tent of a body running. I settled in the living room to begin working on gift baskets that were due the next evening for a dinner in Panama City, Florida. A few minutes later I realized that the plans for the gender reveal originally involved mom! To announce the surprise to her, we planned on having mom open a small box with either a pink or blue Christmas ornament specifically chosen to announce the surprise! However, her quick decline in health made those plans prepared only three days prior impossible. But, I still had to tell her who this new addition to the family would be!

I ran as fast as I could to the bedroom because I was so excited to tell her who would soon be arriving in April. I got as close to her face as the oxygen mask would allow me to approach and gently woke her up again from sleep. A sleep that was now being dictated by the lack of air her lungs would allow to enter and release from her body. “Mom, guess what?”, I whispered excitedly, “I forgot to tell you, Steven and Britney found out what they were having!” She opened her eyes and looked over once again to her right. Focusing and alert only somewhat stronger than the first conversation she shared with me ten minutes earlier, she forced her eyes open and locked them into mine as if to say “What?” Again, trying to use as few words as possible I smiled and declared “A girl! Can you believe it? We’re going to have another girl! Three of them!” Mom drew a deep breath and released “Are you serious?! Sha mah baby!”. I laughed and smiled, first that she could hear, comprehend and celebrate with us, but secondly that I could hear her voice.

I kissed her on the forehead and once again gave her permission to sleep because each movement, word or conversation she felt she was expected to have was a drain on her already depleted air supply. As I went back into the living room to finish my project I thought about that quick conversation. I’ve always heard the phrase “I wouldn’t waste my breath” but I’d never really thought much about it. I realized that the only way she could communicate with me was to share those words with a breath. A breath she desperately needed to feed her dying body. She consciously made a decision to deny her frail body the oxygen it required to survive just so that she could share in that intimate conversation with me. Her words were shared with a breath – the most valued possession her body needed to stay alive, yet she was willing to sacrifice.

Mom passed away on that Friday, December 8, 2017 at 8:00 pm. The only other word she spoke after that was Thursday morning when we prayed over her. She took a deep breath and said “Amen”.